How to handle sexual incompatibility in your relationship
What happens when one of you routinely craves sex more than the other?
The start of a new relationship usually brings passion and shedloads of hot sex, but as time goes by things can go off the boil. Careers, family, hobbies, chores – let’s face it there are plenty of obstacles littering the road to sexual bliss. There will be times when you’re just not in the mood, but what happens when one of you routinely craves sex more than the other?
Sexual incompatibility can cause tension and upset both partners. If you’re the one with the higher libido you might feel frustrated and unloved when your other half turns you down. If your libido is at the lower end of the scale you might feel under pressure to perform and please your lover – even a simple kiss or cuddle can feel like a strategic move to get into your undies.
As with most relationship problems, the key to bridging the sexual compatibility gap is communication. It’s time to take a seat and have a chat about your union, it might be a bumpy ride but it’ll be worth it. Ask a few honest questions such as are you both getting what you want and need? Do you feel loved? Do you go out together often enough? Do you spend enough time alone? How can you better support one another? Etc.
If you’re feeling bold you could engage in a direct conversation about your sexual incompatibility. If one of you fancies it three times a week and the other is happy to bonk three times a month, can you compromise and meet somewhere in the middle? Call it a frequency sexperiment and give it a try!
You can also explore the potential reasons for the difference in your levels of desire. Perhaps you feel as though there’s a lack of affection and attention. Make a pact to get closer by spending more quality time together. Put aside the shagging and focus on having a good time outside the bedroom. It might sound cheesy but my husband and I love a date night. It doesn’t matter where we go or what we do (although a night away at a swanky hotel with dinner and drinks always goes down well), we just make it our priority to enjoy ourselves.
Once you’ve got into the habit of spending quality time together you can carve out time for love-making too. Scheduling sex might sound clinical but you plan other well-being activities, such as doctor’s appointments, gym sessions, etc so why not timetable sex too? Scheduled sex doesn’t have to be dull; you can get worked up fantasising about what you would like to do to one another and make naughty plans to get yourselves revved up.
It never hurts to give your sex life a makeover – it could be the perfect way to address your sexual incompatibility. There are so many ways to spice things up in the bedroom. Sex toys can be a good addition to play and there’s an abundance to choose from! From dildos and vibrators to wands, butt plugs, love eggs, and anal beads there’s an array of gadgets and gizmos on offer. If one or both of you are experiencing sexual performance issues sex toys can help. Alleviate pressure to provide a “Big O” and use the toys to find out what turns you on.
A lack of sexual chemistry can also stem from oppression. Are you being honest with each other in terms of your desires? If you stick to tried and tested methods in the bedroom things can go stale. If you want to try something new or have a few hidden desires it could be the perfect time to share. My partner and I love missionary, doggy, and cowgirl, but we also keep things fresh by trying out new positions such as the pretzel (you kneel over your lover and they place one leg under your backside and the other around your waist).
If you find yourselves struggling to make progress you could always get a helping hand from an expert. You can work with a sex therapist to iron out relationship niggles. It can be difficult to confront issues but sexual incompatibility could be down to physical issues such as erectile dysfunction or illness. Emotional barriers such as work stresses or past problems e.g., infidelity can also limit sexual pleasure.
There is another option, but it’s not for the faint-hearted. If you are secure in your relationship, you could consider inviting others to join the party. We’re talking threesomes, foursomes, moresomes, swinging parties, and sex clubs.
Tread carefully with this one, as you’ll need to set boundaries and talk about what you’re comfortable with before you dive in.
Playing with others can provide you with a sense of freedom, and enable you to explore your sexual tastes. You can also consider embarking on an open marriage. Again, this one can be difficult to navigate, jealousy can cause issues and you could get too close to one of your new, special friends. However, if you think you can both handle it an open marriage can pave the way to thrilling experiences – fun dates, stimulating sex, and you can share your experiences afterward.
A note of caution though, affairs are never a wise option, however appealing they seem. A good friend of mine embarked on an affair when her husband lost interest in their sex life. At the time she described her fling as thrilling, a departure from the humdrum of everyday life. A year down the line my friend’s hubby found out and ended their marriage - and she realised she’d screwed up. All my pal really wanted was more passion, and she could have put the effort in to create that with her beloved hubby.
That brings us nicely back to the main components when dealing with sexual incompatibility. I’m going to call them the 3 R’s as that seems to fit nicely! Re-establish communication, rebuild your connection, and Re-ignite the passion. If you can do this you’re on route to a happy union and a satisfying sex life.
By Astolaine
A submissive in a 24/7 TPE marriage spanning twenty years, Astolaine strives to serve and obey her beloved Sir. However, she does have a playful, bratty streak - which occasionally gets her into trouble. A fan of exploring the bright, bold world of kink, Astolaine and her Sir regularly indulge in play, attending parties and events to complement their dynamic.